This is too funny.. I stole this from a friend’s Facebook post..
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...) (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener, and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
(PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!)
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
(Brunette, by the way!!)
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...
Just because you were born in 1996 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid. ... It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons - I am sorry but four years of the 90s just wont cut it.
You're a 90s kid if, you remember watching...
-Kenan and Kel
-Doug
-Pinky and the Brain
-AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
-Roc...ko's Modern Life
-Animaniacs
-Courage the Cowardly Dog
-Hey Arnold
-Clarissa Explains it All
-The Simpsons
-The Fresh Prince of Bel air
-Nickelodeon Slime Time
-Family Feud
You've ever ended a sentence with the word PSYCHE!
You just cant resist finishing this: "In west Philadelphia born and raised...
You remember:
-Step by Step
-Family Matters
-Dinosaurs
-Boy Meets World
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
When everything was settled by:
-rock paper scissors or
-bubble gum bubble gum in a dish
When kickball was something you did everyday!! and you played on the monkey bars and knew at least one kid who broke their arm falling off of it...
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time on a tape.
You remember when Super Nintendo became popular.
You always wanted to send in a tape to Americas Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.
You remember watching:
-The Magic School Bus
-Wishbone
-Reading Rainbow
-Ghostwriter on PBS
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
And you played with Gak, Silly Putty and Sticky Tack that you stole from the teachers walls.
You remember eating Warheads and Smarties
You remember watching:
-The 1st Batman
-Aladdin
-Ninja Turtles
-Ghost Busters
-X-Men
You remember Ring Pops!!!
If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"
You remember boom boxes vs. CD players
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere u went
You watched the original cartoons of
-Rugrats
-Wild Thornberrys
-Power Rangers (with the Green ranger)
-Rocket Power
-Transformers
All your school supplies were Lisa Frank or Five Star brand
If you collected:
-Beanie Babies
-Pokemon cards (the oringinal 150)
-Coins with the states on them
-Carebears
-Silver dollars, which were cool to have
Everyone watched the WB
If you even know what an original Walkman is..
You know the Macarena by heart
"Talk to the hand". . .enough said.
You went to McDonald's to play in the play place
Before the MySpace/Facebook/Twitter frenzy...
Before the Internet & text messaging...
Before Sidekicks & iPods ...
Before PlayStation3 or X-BOX 360...
Before Spongebob...
When light up sneakers were cool and you had spiral spring shoelaces
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs
When gas was $1.
When we recorded stuff on VCR
You had slap bracelets!
You actually played outside until it was dark!
Way back-before we realized all this would eventually disappear...
St. Patrick's Day is this weekend and have I got something for you.. I haven't made these yet, but they look good and easy. If you do make them, be sure to bring me some..
INGREDIENTS:
– Keebler® Fudge Stripes™ Cookies
– Large Marshmallows
– Dark Chocolate Candy Melts
– Green Candy Melts
– Green Sprinkles or Cake Sparkles
STEP BY STEP INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Melt dark chocolate candy in the microwave, in 30 second intervals on 50% power. Stir after each heating. Repeat until completely melted. Dip Fudge Stripe Cookies into chocolate, coating completely. Shake off any excess. Set on parchment paper, top side down, until candy coating is completely set.
2. Using a toothpick, dip marshmallow into chocolate and coat almost entirely. Shake off any excess. Set on parchment paper, until candy coating is completely set. Remove toothpick.
3. Melt green candy just as you did the chocolate. Flip marshmallow upside down and insert new toothpick in top. Dip into green candy, just barely, to create a small band of green around the bottom.
4. Coat green candy band with sprinkles or sparkles. Shake off excess.
5. Place marshmallow in center of chocolate covered cookie. Carefully remove toothpick. Touch up the toothpick hole with a small dab of melted chocolate, if desired.
6. To finish the hat, attach a glittering shamrock with a small dab of melted green.
Brings a tear to one's eye with this Christmas Story: An old but beautiful story of marriage and the communication between a husband and his wife.
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well . . . you'll love this story about a girl named Alice. Here’s her story…
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school. Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' he gleamed with pride. When did you graduate?' I asked. He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask? You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, S.O.B. asked, “What did you teach??”
I bequeath to you today one little girl in a crispy blue dress with two blue eyes and a happy laugh that ripples all day long and a flash of light blonde hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs.
I trust you'll treat her well. She's slipping out of the backyard of my heart this morning and skipping off down the street to her first day of school. Never again will she be completely mine. Prim and proper, she'll wave a young independent hand this morning and say "goodbye", and walk with little lady steps to the schoolhouse.
Now, she'll learn to stand in lines and wait by the alphabet for her name to be called. She'll learn to tune her ears for sounds of school bells and deadlines, and she'll learn to giggle, and gossip, and look at the ceiling in a disinterested way, and she'll learn to be jealous.
Now she'll learn how not to cry. No longer will she have time to sit on the front porch on a hot summer day and watch an ant scurry across a crack in the sidewalk. Nor will she have time to pop out of bed with the dawn to kiss lilac blossoms in the morning dew.
No...now she'll worry about important things like grades and which dress to wear and whose best friend is whose. She'll forget her blocks and dolls, and now she'll find new heroes. For five full years now, I've been her sage and Santa Claus, pal and playmate, Father and friend.
Now she'll learn to share her worship with her teachers, which is only right. But, no longer will I be the smartest, greatest man in the whole world. Today, when that school bell rings for the first time, she'll learn what it means to be a member of the group, with all its privileges and its disadvantages, too. She'll learn in time that proper ladies do not laugh out loud or kiss dogs or keep frogs in pickle jars in bedrooms, or even watch ants scurry across cracks in the summer sidewalk. Today, she'll learn for the first time that all who smile at her are not her friends, and I'll stand on the front porch and watch her start out on the long lonely journey to becoming a woman.
So world, I bequeath to you today, one little girl in a crispy blue dress with two blue eyes and a happy laugh that ripples all day long, and a flash of blonde hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs.
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS: Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Well, St. Valentine’s Day is coming up next week, are you excited? According to Wikipedia, which you know is the absolute truth, Valentine’s Day is defined as, “A day on which lovers express their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards”. Ugh! Do you have someone special in your life? I guess you noticed from my, “Ugh!” remark that I am single, and I’m ok with that because I’m going to be saving some money on the 14th. Woo Hoo!
Do you plan on getting your “Special” someone flowers? What about candy? What about a surprise weekend in the mountains? I hear Dollywood is hopping this time of year. Let me know by taking the poll on the home page of www.b937online.com and if you’re like me and celebrating Valentine’s with your other single friends, have fun, be safe and spend that money on yourself. You could use a new flat screen TV, right?
